Los Muertos is the sequel to John Carpenter's Vampires that almost nobody asked for. And even if you did ask for it, I doubt very much if you wanted Jon Bon Jovi to play the lead. Or an actress who looks like Sharleen Spiteri from pop band Texas as the head vampire.
Jovi plays a vampire hunter called Derek, who teams up with a priest, a Mexican teenager hoping to earn some cash to help his mother, some old guy, a black vampire hunter who displays zero common sense, and a half-vampire who keeps herself from turning full bloodsucker with a miracle drug, the origin of which is never adequately explained. Vampire Spiteri and her nameless followers go about killing off anyone else who might help Derek in his quest against the undead, while also looking for a mystical cross that will enable a vampire to walk in daylight.
Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace (Halloween III, Fright Night Pt. 2), the film starts off promisingly with Derek slaying a vampire hooker by shooting her in the head and heart with a gun that fires stakes. So far, so fun. If things continue in this vein (pun intended), this might not be so bad after all. Unfortunately, as the film progresses, it teeters awkwardly between 'schlock' and 'serious', with a seriously scrappy script and sloppy direction sucking out all the fun. At times, the film is so bad it's almost funny. Almost.
Those who stay the distance will be treated to a few decent gore effects, but will have to suffer through JBJ's awful acting, lots of mediocre vampire slaying action, the quite frankly absurd decision by Derek to take a transfusion of vampire blood so that he can sneak up on Sharleen unnoticed, and a finale that tries to crank up the tension by using the same 'malfunctioning winch' plot device they used earlier in the film. You would think that they would get that fixed as a matter of urgency.
2.5/10, rounded up to 3 for IMDb.